You’ll Figure It Out

That’s what my Mother, Sidney Ivey would always tell me when I had a hard time dealing with something or someone. As most of you know, my Mom passed away on December 24th, 2019 of Cancer. Last weekend was her birthday, December 13th. And as I went home to celebrate with my family and friends, it dawned on me in the highest of keys; I haven’t dealt with this shit at all.

Now while I’ve been trying to suppress all of this information and new found reality over the past 365 days, I’ve understood that she speaks to me in different forms. And what I’m about to say is going to seem selfish, its just how I feel: it’s not enough. I’m not ready to go to therapy about this yet because it really won’t fix what I’m feeling. And while I’m not ruling it out, I’m just not ready. A new friend that I spoke to this morning, Ms. Karen told me I need to start “Brain Dumping.” Not on people because it’s not fair to them at all, but I guess on paper…so that’s why I’m here.

One of my best friend’s, Kam has this entity, Self Kare. It’s a monthly activation where he brings men together via Zoom where we discuss mental health, financial literacy, mentoring and alot of other dope shit. Last night’s topic surrounded our upbringing and family roots. I always make sure to attend these Zoom calls because vital information is being discussed and while I rarely say anything? Last night, it all came pouring out, literally. I sat in my hookah bar (dont worry, I was the only one there and seems to keep the COVID away lol), I listened as Kam and his mother discussed his upbringing and the type of child he was. Entertaining to say the least.

After a couple sips of Casamigos, I decided to chime in about the loss of my mother and the things I’ve been trying to cope with. And as I was talking and crying in front of strangers on a Zoom call, I realized I have A LOT of grieving to get to. I’ve literally been trying to run from the month of December because I knew THIS would be my mood for those 31 days. I’ve been dreading the fact that I have to confront this time in my life head on because i dont have the answers and neither does anyone around me. And that’s ok. I’m just now learning how to articulate those feelings.

When I went home for Thanksgiving this past month, it just didnt feel the same. I mean the food was great and the company was immaculate. But sitting in that house without my Mother badgering me about the regular mother/son chatter just put me in a grinch of a mood. And that’s not fair to my family. See they’re somewhat used to being in the house, having their routines and trying to get back whatever normal looks like. But because of COVID? I haven’t been there as often as I’ve liked to be. So for me, it’s still somewhat of a shock and difficult time. And I explained that to my Dad because he thought I was mad at him for some reason, but the morning after we had a great conversation and he understood every emotion that was running through my body.

I guess the point of today’s entry is to start my own “grieving” process that will help me heal and be a better man to those that I love. And while it hasnt been easy, I’m pushing through the best way I can. I’m not looking for any form of sympathy because 2020 alone has been extremely difficult, but I want whoever is reading this to know that you’re not grieving alone. No matter how long ago that you lost a loved one, the pain never goes and it stings every time you let your brain drift to those memories. But I guess it’s time to be fair to myself, my mental and my spirit. I guess I need to stop being selfish with my emotions and dump on people accordingly. And hopefully this is the beginning process of it.

The title of this entry is the best piece of advice my mother ever gave me: “You’ll Figure It Out.” And I guess I’m finally starting to. Talk to yall soon.

Low